Thriving on your own in the lockdown: a journey from loneliness to aloneness
‘Don’t surrender your aloneness so quickly. Let it cut you more deep. Let it ferment and season you as few humans and even divine ingredients can.’ - Hafiz
I turned 43 yesterday and didn’t see another human being in person all day, apart from my neighbour who walked past the window. It was comfortably the most ‘alone’ birthday experience of my life... and not surprisingly, as we entered the eighth week of the Covid-19 lockdown.
But save the violins. Throughout the day I did what many others have been doing for the past eight weeks – talking to people, often face to face, on the phone, Zoom and Skype. The day even began with a rendition of happy birthday on FaceTime, from my daughter who lives with her mum, and I received another by WhatsApp voice note, with hoorays, from friends, and another from my mother.
Although my working day began with a sense of loneliness and anxiety that took a while to shake off due to some work pressures I was experiencing, it concluded with an evening of rich connection time with friends via Zoom, before bed. I was grateful to finish the day with a sense of feeling alone but connected, as I began my 44th year here on Planet Earth.
Although my daughter has been with me for around 20 days in the past eight weeks, for the other 40 odd days I have been on my own, as a single person. Here are a few insights that have helped me move from loneliness to aloneness over and over again, as I’ve navigated a series of days in which I have found myself alone, and in one place, for an unusual amount of time.
1. Being doesn’t feel lonely (Aloneness teaches me to connect)
Many mindfulness practices encourage us to sense the body and let go of the mind – in order to experience the space between thoughts in which presence, or being, can be felt. This timeless, permanent phenomenon is always here, just waiting for each of us to put in the practice needed to actually feel it, abide in it, and learn in time to call it home. One of the main obstacles to this development occurring in people, is the fear of being alone – because, experientially at least, it is the thoughts we are trying to let go of that are keeping us company. In the psychology that connects the constant stream of thought together in our minds, the space between thoughts is seen as antithetical to the familiarity and comfort of the thinking process. To begin dissolving these structures, is to risk letting go of what we feel we belong to, which our instinctual defences of course have a strong resistance towards. As anyone who has stuck with their mindfulness practice will attest though, the experience of resting between our thoughts feels anything but lonely. Rather, when we wake up to that space, we see clearly that real loneliness is being on our own with our thoughts and neuroses. In presence however, or ‘essential aloneness’, rather than feeling alone, we feel connected to everything – to nature, to being and to the world around us, which grows brighter and clearer the more time we spend there. Over time, what could be more natural than to move further towards that aliveness that we find in our aloneness? As many masters have said, this is the path to real maturity, and the full potential of being human. It’s amazing how quickly, through MBSR training and many other forms of meditation, one can begin this extraordinary process... and of course among many other things, the lockdown represents a gift-wrapped chance to do exactly that – especially if you are spending it alone.
2. Build perspectival awareness (Aloneness teaches me empathy)
Being on my own in the lockdown has been a lesson in perspective. I’ve learned that my own perspective is always limited, and that by talking to people I can appreciate my own provenance with greater immediacy and appreciation – which leads to gratitude for what I have, rather than focussing on what I do not. By learning about what other people are going through, I connect to the wider community and experience more of life. By building bridges to people I love, respect and enjoy speaking with, I expand my mind and reduce my sense of isolation. As the new world emerges, everyone is going to have their own story to tell about the lockdown. Some are alone and happy with it, while some are alone and counting the days. Some have company but long for aloneness, and all the variations in between. While I have been finding my way through, I have seen time and again that whatever I am feeling can be enriched, broadened and deepened by the additional perspectives gained through contact with others. I’ve seen how when I am feeling ok or chipper in some way, I have usually closed off from being conscious of what others are experiencing – because for many the lockdown has not been fun at all. Likewise though, when I’m feeling down or depressed, it only takes a conversation to remind me what life is like in the inner city just a short drive from my house… or further afield in still-developing nations, where the potentially devastating effects of the virus are still nascent. Either way, my own experience is given greater depth and resonance. Ultimately, I have found myself hungrier and hungrier for perspective as the lockdown has unfolded, as it has led to a supportive realisation in terms of making peace with my alone time. As my perspective has grown each day, in parallel with my interactions, I’ve been able to detach from my own point of view, and experience something like ‘Aperspectivism’ – where I am not identified or over-invested in one perspective or another. In that space I am much more relaxed, freed up from trying to predict or influence the future, and able to trust that the confluence of experience and intention in society is already authoring a new tomorrow, in which I also play some small part. And that something about this lockdown, is giving me time to listen deeply for exactly what that part is. Whatever direction I take, I want it to be enriched by perspective as much as is possible, without being wholly consumed by any of them.
3. Enjoy your own company (Aloneness teaches me to surrender)
It’s well known that there is no greater antidote to loneliness than enjoying your own company, however I’ve strategically included this here as being also antidotal to the overwhelm that can be brought about by point 2. You see, as my perspective grew in the lockdown and I started to realise that Covid-19 was serious and multi-dimensional in impact, so did the clamour in my mind to do something about it – and quick. Somewhere around week 2 of the lockdown the novelty factor wore off and I began to feel consumed – tormented even – by the idea that as someone with a modicum of privilege and in good health, I should do something about this crisis. I got into a pattern of comparing myself to peers and frontline heroes, and trying to force myself to write something profound, invent something new, or begin some epic project that would bring Covid-19 to its knees in the same way it had done to humanity. The part of me that always wants more took to this new task with venom, and didn’t let go for weeks… until finally, one day in week five or six – just a few weeks back - I finally caught myself in a particularly feverish bought of planning, plotting and scheming… and in a moment of clarity, realised that I wanted to let go. Somehow, in that moment, I exhaled and realised that I felt really, seriously exhausted. I remembered how tiring my life had been for the previous five or six years – commuting, waking up early, finishing late and parenting in many of the gaps… and how here in the lockdown, I was in the middle of an amazing opportunity to rest, recuperate and recharge… and feel that space between thoughts that I mentioned earlier, in which I could finally, at last, be alone… and connect. Since then, outside of work and parenting responsibilities, I have indulged in reviewing the entire Star Wars franchise and starting the new Mandalorian box set (interestingly set in a post-empire apocalypse), while adding extra time to my ‘schedule’, to meditate and inquire with like-minded friends. I have surrendered to where I am, to how I actually feel, and to what I actually want to do, rather than holding myself up to how I think I should be feeling, and to unattainable standards that my inner judge feels I should be up to in the world. It’s been a healthy relaxation, and as it turns out, one that is opening up the True North that may well guide me out of this process, and into the new world.
4. Give yourself attention (Aloneness teaches me to give to myself what I have sought from others)
You might say this is point 3.1, but as that has its own context I’ve included some further notes. This skill, of giving yourself attention is the core practice that supports the journey from loneliness to aloneness – whether you are on your own or with others (but that’s another story). What you have to remember is that when you are alone, you still have the same needs as regular folks - we are social creatures who crave conversation, company, touch and intimacy. And somehow, to avoid feeling lonely, you have to give yourself a supply of these things until you can once again receive them from other people. I’ve been lucky in that here and there my seven year old daughter is with me, so I get hugs and kisses and she jumps on me in bed at 6am… so I get to start some days with that all important physical contact… yay. And I’m also lucky to have a good Zoom/Skype schedule for conversations that have been richer and deeper than I have had with many friends in years. Other than that though there have been longer stretches alone than I have ever had before, and here’s what I’ve noticed about those times: I have to give myself the same attention, or close, as the care someone living in a house with their loved ones receives. I have to be aware of how I am feeling, patient enough to stay with the difficult emotions, curious about what is behind them, conscious of whether I have had enough sleep and food, and not too much coffee or sugar or other stimulus, and careful as well not to overwork or over-exercise. If I need rest, I have to give myself time off. If I need reassurance, I need to acknowledge myself for everything I am doing and the choices I am making, and if I am hurting then I need to hold myself and validate my feelings, with the occasional inner-pep talk. Above all, I need to maintain my meditation practice, which makes it easier to be present with myself and to keep track of what I am feeling and what I need. Tending to ourselves in aloneness means giving ourselves what others receive from others, in an optimal relational environment. It’s a delicate process. We’ve all read about the difficulties some people are experiencing in lockdown, as well as the joys and delights. You have to ask yourself, if I was cohabiting with someone, what kind of person would I like them to be? And then you need to be that person for yourself. Caring for yourself in this way provides the kind of nourishing psychological and spiritual holding that someone receives in a good relational situations… this may be a tough ask for many (as it has been for me over the years, as well as in the lockdown), but with steadfast perseverance we can take our attention back from the many distractions that are all around us, and start giving it to ourselves – in the way we deserve, and have often sought from others.
5. Find solace in aloneness (Aloneness teaches me I can be lonely, or alone, with or without others)
Although being on your own can feel lonely, there is perhaps no greater loneliness than when someone is permanently with another, or others, from whom they feel estranged. A person who is alone has the opportunity to experience solitude, that rare form of essential aloneness that these notes have been pointing towards. But a person in the company of others from whom they wish to be free, are suffering a far more difficult challenge. In order to begin the practice of contacting ourselves on a deeper level, being on our own is among the most important things we can ask for. If we are given that holding through our personal circumstances, in which we find ourselves alone and on retreat from the world, as many of us do during Covid-19, then we can begin the practice in earnest… but only if we are very lucky, or very intentional, will we find the relationships that support us in contacting our aloneness while staying engaged and interactive with others. Indeed it’s far more likely that we begin our journey to aloneness on our own, and are led on that path to the relationships that support such sanctity, than to find ourselves automatically involved with people who help foster the conscious awareness and potential of our own solitude. Either way though, as the masters have told us, the solace we can find while on our own is a special and sacred truth like no other… and the Covid-19 lockdown offers the best possible opportunity to start out on this road, or deepen our experience of it, that we are ever likely to get again.
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Lastly – I’m borrowing this piece of writing from the spiritual teacher Jeff Foster:
THE JOY OF LONELINESS
“I am lonely. So very lonely,” she told me one day.
"Please, tell me of your loneliness", I said.
“Nothing can help me, you see. No person. No substance.
No experience the world has to offer.
Everything offers only brief respite.
I soon plunge back into my own loneliness.
Where nothing and no-one can reach me.
On this tiny planet spinning in infinite night,
I am lonesome. I feel far from wherever things are.
I have not been able to escape this feeling.
I think it has been with me since the beginning of time.
But then, I tell myself, I must turn towards this desolation!
Let me no longer be ashamed or frightened of my alienation.
Let me own it, hold it close.
And let me cry out into the clear air:
I AM LONELY!
Let me hear the power in my own cry.
Let my song reverberate throughout the whole damn world.
Let all my lonely brothers and sisters hear:
I AM LONELY!
And then, in my loneliness, I am not alone.
In my desolation, I am together with everyone.
With all those lonely hearts.
Separate, but never apart. Beating together.
Divided, but indivisible, from the sun, the sea, the sky, the moon and her madness.
There is dignity in my loneliness, I tell you.
It is so alive. So present.
It keeps me close to my humility.
It reminds me of the nearness of miracles.
No, I do not want to lose my loneliness!
I wish to be lonely for the rest of my days.
Lonely like the oceans. Lonely like a star.
Love me, please, but do not take away my loneliness!”
Oh, she taught me so much about love that day.
- Jeff FosterDont