My Name is Mummy

As a life coach, I am often asked for parenting advice. This blog piece is about some of the beliefs and lessons that I have learned through my experience of being a single mum to three kids. It is my hope that they help anchor you as you navigate your own way through parenthood.  

“Making the decision to have a child - it is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body. ”
― Elizabeth Stone

Motherhood changes you. It is inevitable. Of course, I love and have loved others, but the love I feel for my children invaded and took up house in the fabric of my being. With three children, aged twelve and two seven year olds (twins), I can say that being a mum has been the toughest yet most uniquely rewarding years of my life. It is a love that grows continually – as I experience unconditional love for them and receive theirs in return. My children have taught me to be the person I am today - I am still me but I am a different version of myself. The truth is that motherhood means so many different things and no two mothers will have the exact same experience. For myself, the journey has been a rollercoaster of joy and hope as well as exhaustion and self-questioning, but I would not have it any other way.

Connection through Presence

I do not think that anyone would dispute that parenting is seriously hard work and that creating a close connection with your child can be challenging, particularly when you are managing a host of other pressures. The good news is that the simple act of being present – dedicating your time and energy to them – is fundamental to your relationship. At root, it is about the quality of your engagement, slowing down and taking the opportunity amid the chaos to really listen and talk with them. Children, more than at any other stage at of life, need to know that their thoughts and feelings have value. By acknowledging and validating them, we are opening the door to clear and honest communication in the future.   

It's about letting go

It is also about loosening our grip on how we think things should be. Not everything is worth the battle. Doctor Shefali Tsabury writes, ‘Our children did not come into the world to be puppets…they are a spirit throbbing with their own life force!’. Once we let go of rigid expectations about how we think our child ought to be, then we can start engaging with them based on who they actually are.  This kind of acceptance, when we stop projecting our own needs onto them while giving up simplistic notions of ‘goodness’ or ‘badness’, naturally fosters closer connection.

Boundaries not punishment

Suffice it to say, this does not mean a lackadaisical attitude of anything goes! Being a mum means teaching your children crucial life skills, from being an empathic human being to understanding how to be responsible for one’s own actions. As parents, it is our job to nurture their spirits at the same time as setting healthy boundaries and limits. It is about giving guidance, talking to them and explaining the rationale for certain decisions with patience and respect. A snap assertion of power at a difficult moment might get immediate results but does not engender a deeper understanding of what it takes to be a genuinely responsible person.   

Perfection is not possible

I am conscious in writing this that the last thing I want to do is heap more pressure onto already stressed-out parents, exacerbating feelings of guilt or not being good enough. As a single mother with three kids, believe me, I know the gritty realities of parenting all too well. We live in a complex, messy world and it is easy to feel that standards of great parenting are simply not achievable to mere mortals.

To this, I want to quote the words of Jill Churchill, ‘There is no way to be a perfect parent, but a million ways to be a good one’. Mistakes and confusion are par for the course. None of us are perfect and that is OK. The other day my eldest son saw me crying and it opened up a lovely conversation between us. I just shared with him that mummy was having a tough day and that it’s alright to cry sometimes. I have found that being open about my feelings helps my kids to understand that other people have feelings too, just like they do. Another powerful tool is admitting mistakes. I make a point of apologising if I have been short-tempered. I want my children to know that mummy represents many things: love, strength and patience but that she is also a fallible human being.

Balancing your needs with theirs

Often as parents, our own needs get squeezed between juggling the demands of home, work and the kid’s extracurricular activities. We exhaust ourselves and become upset and irritable in our pursuit of perfection. Ironically, it is this relentless rushing around that takes us further away from the life that we truly want. Yes, parenting involves selflessness but it does not mean total self-sacrifice. The way I see it, self-care is not only a necessity but it is also an act of consideration to your family. If you are burned out, the chances are that your children are suffering too. Don’t feel guilty about carving out some time for yourself to tend to your emotional, physical and spiritual wellbeing. Even a couple of hours can make a huge difference – it might mean popping out to see a friend or it could just be a long soak in the bath. The important thing is that in doing things you enjoy, you are also teaching your family to be mindful of their own needs while demonstrating the benefits 

Lastly, I would like to say that despite the fact that motherhood is one of the toughest jobs on earth, it has been worth every second. It’s those simple, everyday moments of magic where your kids look up at you smiling and you find yourself thinking, yep – this is what life is all about.

[This blog is the first in a more in-depth series on parenting and relationships – so watch this space!]

Life Coach, Rasha Alkasab